It comes with so much warning and no warning at the same time. I feel myself sliding down into the pit and I can’t stop. I ignore the feelings and they turn into tears. I ball myself up and let them uncontrollably fall over me. I don’t worry about the smudging of mascara because no one sees. It’s dark and uncomfortable but I can’t stop. The tears erupt the shaking in my skin like critters clawing up my body. It drowns me so I cannot speak.
I can’t run. I can’t see. I can’t hide.
For the last ten years I thought I didn’t like chocolate…chocolate cake, chocolate candy…I think I’ve had one brownie this entire year. I’m not sure where it started but eventually overtime if offered I would regularly turn down a chance to indulge on a treat simply because it was chocolate. Vanilla ice cream, salted caramels, even fruit stood above a piece of brown covered sugar. I was content with my decision. Chocolate was never going to be one of the items I bring on a deserted island.
However, in attempt to celebrate my husband’s return from a work trip (and that I setup our inflatable hot tub all by myself), I decided chocolate covered strawberries and champagne in our brand new hot tub was much needed. I could have probably gotten away with just strawberries for the aesthetics but I’m an overachiever when it comes to food. I wouldn’t even go as far to say I splurged on chocolate – I just stayed away from Hershey’s. I picked up Lindt’s Classic Recipe 55% Cocoa – Milk Chocolate with intense cocoa notes at a high price of $2.99. GAME CHANGER. The chocolate strawberries were amazingly delicious. I’ve been nibbling on the rest of that bar for weeks – one little piece at a time to savor it as long as possible. My favorite way to enjoy my daily piece is with a half glass – sometimes full glass – of red wine in the evening. There was even a chocolate bar in my cart when I placed my Target drive up order yesterday. Who even am I?
For the last several years, I’ve tried to take ownership of my yes’s and no’s – feeling empowered to turn down the things I don’t like. I felt too stuck always agreeing to whatever anyone wanted to do and never saying no. I may have swinged a little to hard on the no’s during my journey of empowerment. I’ve missed out plenty on the things I could like or the things high school Dominique didn’t like (i.e. chocolate). In the same way I don’t like when people hold me to a past self I find that I’m doing the same thing. I don’t like this or I can’t do that.
So really this isn’t about chocolate but it is about the unexpected joy learning new and relearning old things about myself. That’s the whole reason I started writing this year because I thought I couldn’t but I can. I want to keep exploring and finding joy when I’m not sure what’s on the other side.
This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in this series “Unexpected Joy”
Sitting in my favorite room of our house.
One single light bulb illuminating the space making it difficult to write with so many abstracts of shadows hitting the pages.
The temperature is perfect – no breeze needed – just a few windows open to keep the air freshly flowing. My skin is perfectly comfortable wanting nothing less and nothing more.
I hear the crickets chirping from the distance and the roar of the a/c turning on and off in the house. Maybe a plane or a car will pass by but if feels like the outside world has paused for these perfect moments.
My legs draped over Joel’s lap. Our bodies’ always finding a way to fit so perfectly together. Folklore is playing in the background. We don’t have to say anything – the silence feels intimate and cherished.
paralyzed in fear please don’t come near sparks of pain fly through my veins twist and turn the pain churns inside I can’t see I can’t hear I can’t hide harsh reality full of lies the truth so hard to find when will it end when will i win
For the last number of years I have recited this narrative to myself that I’m a bad writer. Declaring it out loud to my husband and therapist for the first time in the last six months as I painstakingly write cover letters.
In high school, I was on the school paper, in college, I took a journalism class in exploration of a writing career – then somewhere it stopped. I can’t remember exactly when but I know I used to love it. Now the only time I write – or in reality type works on a glaring screen – are all in situations where I feel immense anxiety.
The light bulb clicked so brightly this morning.
Work, applying for new jobs, texting with people (thank you social anxiety) – these are the only situations where I am routinely writing and my anxiety tends to strip my mind of all rational thoughts leaving me paralyzed with fear. It’s fun.
I need to create time and space for me to write without dread and apprehension. I need to retrain my mind that sitting down with a journal, with a computer… will not always make my mind go blank or my heart race. I need to write for fun.
That is what this website will be for now. A place to write for fun, to practice, to grow and whatever else the future holds.
Welcome.
Dominique Ann 